


The Role of a Minister

by orphan_account



Category: Yes Minister
Genre: Character Study, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-03
Updated: 2014-11-03
Packaged: 2018-12-04 03:58:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11547021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: To Sir Humphrey, Jim Hacker is no more than a puppet. Unfortunately, said minister is not satisfied to be just that, and against the secretary's will moves on to become an enemy, a master and, worst of all, a friend.





	The Role of a Minister

He has served many ministers in his time.

Oh, he'd seen them come and go. Foolish men, confused and easy to manipulate. Politicians, they thought they were. Sir Humphrey smiled very sincerely to each and everyone of them. Such gullible creatures, to believe themselves so superior when they were merely a mask to disguise the ones who were really running the country.

"What do you think, Humphrey?" They would ask him, one after the other, and that is inevitable. They always turn to him, in the end. Too weak, too soft, to think for themselves. Humphrey thinks he prefers them this way - when he is the only one they rely on, when he is the one in charge.

"Of course, minister," he smiles, always so polite, so constricted. "I believe that this act would be of the utmost, that is to say, at this moment in time, importance which, according to those of a certain status of that which is relevant, is of course convenient and highly accessible. In my humble opinion, to do so would incur a great fluctuation of what will, most inevitably, if not certainly, be a natural uprising in emotions of a mass, nay, a congregation of minds to whom this matter, which, in their - perhaps not entirely, but at least partially - implemented judgement, will be affected, and thus would require an action that can almost be considered, if only to a number, to be of the greatest concern..."

They don't understand him. They never do. Their vacant eyes and slightly open mouths always betray their shock. And Humphrey enjoys watching them flounder, watching them nod blankly as he speaks, and eventually, they say:

"Very well, Humphrey! It seems as though you know what to do. I suppose I can rest easy, eh?"

"Very good, sir," he agrees, and would always allow himself a smile whilst the minister laughs uproariously, thinking Humphrey is smiling with them.

Politicians, after all, are not people of intelligence, but people of pride.

Which makes them all the easier to toy with. Sir Humphrey has learnt how to handle them. Mould them and twist them so that they bent happily to his will, thinking all the while that the smiling, charming 'Humpy' is on their side, is their humble servant, looking out for their good.

He finds it ironic that they think themselves politicians, if that is what they believe.

Humphrey has always been looking out for himself.

"Minister, I am your humble servant," declares Humphrey, as usual, and for the first time, feels only the eyes of doubt drawn upon him.

Ah, how many other ministers has he fooled in such a way? Smiling to them, graciously trotting after them wherever they went... They are fools, and personally, he detests them. But they are useful fools, the masks that allow him full reign of power, and so, despite his disgust, he tolerates them and bends them to do his bidding, suppressing every move he disapproved of and dissuading any action they sought to partake in. The stupid ones believe him, and the slightly more intelligent ones could never overcome him. For years, Sir Humphrey has only witnessed those two categories, and neither of those men could jeopardise his position of power.

Jim Hacker built an entire new category for himself.

It is Bernard who greets the man first, and as soon as Humphrey walks in and sees the slightly puzzled frown upon the private secretary's face, he decides Jim Hacker is a 'stupid one'. It would be another easy year.

And indeed it is. In the beginning, Jim Hacker is no different.

Humphrey is explaining something to him now. The usual way: long words. Complex sentences. He watches for that familiar, vacant stare. That slightly agape mouth. Ah, there it is: the look of complete confusion. Only Bernard seems mildly amused in the corner, but then again Bernard is under no pressure to understand.

Hacker, if he had been trying to decipher anything in the first place, has evidently given up. The minister has his face buried behind his hands, and, when Humphrey has finally finished, he peers through his fingers and mutters:

"... What?"

It is almost refreshing, thinks Humphrey, to witness such brutal honesty. There is no attempt to even disguise his ignorance, and that, the permanent secretary is sure, requires a level of foolishness which he has not witnessed for a while.

So he smiles, a pitying smile, and laces his fingers carefully together before setting them upon the desk.

"Minister," he says, voice smooth as metal, and gazed directly into the other man's bright, blue eyes. "I am merely trying to convey to you the foolishness of this new proposal. It would change things! And everything is working perfectly as it is. It would be futile, not to mention unpopular, to try and change that."

Hacker frowns. "But I don't understand! It's what the people want, Humphrey. Are you saying we should deny them?"

Humphrey laughs. "Of course not, minister. I would suggest no such thing. However, do the people really know what's best for them?" He shakes his head. "No. In my view, they are like small children. They cry and whine for all sorts of things; new toys, sweets... But are those things really good for them, hmm?" He pauses a moment to allow the concept to sink in. "We would be spoiling them, and it is not in the government's interest to spoil the people, is it?"

Hacker sits back from his desk, and his brows furrow in confusion. "No..." He admits, hesitantly. "But, surely -"

"Oh, and another thing, minister, if I may be so bold as to interrupt," Humphrey puts forth, before Hacker could complete his sentence. "If you do decide to proceed with this courageous scheme... I feel it is my duty to warn you of the obstacles that may oppose you from, say, your cabinet colleagues. There have been many rumours, after all, and the consequences..."

Immediately, this catches the minister's interest, and though his posture is relaxed there is a wary glint in his eyes. "Consequences?" He glances briefly at Bernard, though the private secretary is also frowning. "What consequences?"

Humphrey smiles, as though it is all perfectly simple, and then, speaking slowly, lists the factors he knows will get to the minister's heart. Unpopular, he begins, and Hacker cringes involuntarily. Not supported by the Prime Minister, he adds, and Hacker's brows furrow. Cabinet ministers disagree, he points out, and Hacker's face falls like a dog refused a bone. A negative atmosphere from Number 10, so, all in all, he concludes, a waste of time and money that will curry favours from no one.

Hacker takes in all this in dejected silence, head drooped and crestfallen. Then, all too soon, he lifts his head and asks abruptly:

"Is this all true?"

Humphrey blinks. "Why, of course, minister -"

"Really?" Hacker's eyes narrow. "... Because I have my doubts, Humphrey. This document is highly confidential, and arrived in my office only yesterday. None of the other cabinet ministers should know about this yet!" There is a triumphant smile playing upon his lips, and he leans forth as though stalking a prey. "So how can you be sure they will disagree on it?"

"W-Well... We all know confidentiality is a non-existent concept among the Cabinet -"

"Hmm. Well, I have my doubts, Humphrey. It's you who disagrees, isn't it?" Looking as though he has secured a victory, Hacker slaps a hand down upon his desk. "Why? What is your reason? I'd love to know."

"Minister -"

"And no swindling or stalling for time. I want a straight answer, Humphrey. None of your usual, confusing, waffling nonsense. A clear, precise response. I want it now."

And there it was, what made Jim Hacker so much more... Different than the rest. That tone of command, that moment when there is actual intelligence, and understanding, behind the man's eyes. When, for a moment, the power has slipped away from the permanent secretary, and Sir Humphrey Appleby actually panics.

... For a moment.

"Minister, I am deeply hurt to know that this is what you think of me!" He begins, one hand resting agitatedly upon his chest. "I assure you that, as your loyal servant, I have nothing except your best interest at heart. And this policy, minister, is a mistake. A grave and costly one."

Hacker sits back, briefly. "... How can you be sure?" Despite his defiance, there is caution in his tone, the wary skepticism of a man who could not make up his mind.

Humphrey folds his arms. Victory is in sight. "25 years of experience, minister," he states wisely, wagging a finger. "I understand how things work around here. This isn't the first time such a suggestion has come to air, and the past few times, well... I have a few files, if you would like to review them."

The minister gapes at him, mouth open, and finally all will crumbles and, meekly, humbly, Jim Hacker ducks his head and implores:

"... What should we do then, Humphrey?" his voice shakes. "I-I mean... I've already promised to... to go ahead with the plan! I can't just go back on my word! People'll think I'm... that I'm..."

He gestures, helplessly, and in that single moment, he has lost control, has become like any other minister, and Sir Humphrey is back in his element.

"I have a plan, minister..."

Ah, yes. Jim Hacker tries, and Humphrey supposes that that is what he likes about him. Hacker isn't boring; far be it, he is a clown. In futile, he pulls and dances at the strings which capture him, but in the end, only succeeds in tangling himself further.

So as Humphrey explains his views, and presses forth his arguments, he sees only the enraptured face of the minister - a machine awaiting orders; a puppet.

And an amusing one at that.

 


End file.
